Books

A roundup of some of the things I've been reading recently:

• BONE: This is a series of graphic comic books by Jeff Smith that were published between 1991 and 2004. It follows the Bone cousins (Phoncible, Smiley, and Fone Bone), who have been cast out of Boneville and find themselves lost in a valley. They end up getting involved in a war with rat creatures and other unfriendly beasts. It's fantasy, and very well told. There's a good sense of humor about the series, though the tone does get much more serious and scary as the series progresses. There are nine collected volumes available published in black and white (the original version) and colored (though only the first seven are currently available in color), as well as a 1300+ page collection of the entire series in original B&W. It's very much aimed at younger readers, but there's a lot for everyone to enjoy. I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys fantasy. (I hear a movie is being planned. Originally, Nickelodeon Studios were going to do it, but their plan was to use child actors for all the voices and to include pop songs by artists like Britney Spears and N'Sync. Thankfully, Jeff Smith hated the idea, so now the project is with Warner Bros.)
• ONE CHILD - When I was in college, I took a class about emotional and behavioral disorders. The books assigned by our teacher were all by Torey Hayden, an educator who has chronicled her adventures with some of her more challenging students over the years. The first one we had to read was One Child, the story of Hayden and a six-year old named Sheila who was awaiting placement in the state hospital for burning a three-year old boy. The story is about how Torey broke through her shell and helped her start to achieve her potential. It's a beautiful, if disturbing book. I recently reread the book, and am currently rereading the follow-up, The Tiger's Child, which tells of Hayden meeting Sheila again while working on One Child. It really helps complete the story of the first book, especially since we find out that there was more going on we never found out in One Child. Hayden has a website where you can find out more, and even find out where the people in all her books are now.
• THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS - I'm actually listening to this one on audiobook right now, but I've read it before. This is by C.S. Lewis, author of the Narnia stories, and is a collection of letters from one demon (named Screwtape) to his nephew, a junior tempter named Wormwood who is trying to procure the soul of a young man. The book is a very well thought out treatise on the intricacies of temptation and vice, and I wonder what a letter about me would look like. Read, think, laugh (the chapter where the young man finds his true love is very funny), and enjoy.

Happy reading.

TMBG vs. WAY

For our new musical selections, may I present two of my favorites - They Might Be Giants and Weird Al Yankovic. First off, let me say that I'm limited in my choices as to what is legally accessible online. Some of these songs aren't necessarily my favorites, but I still like 'em enough to put them here.

From They Might Be Giants:

• Doctor Worm - Of course.
• Man, It's So Loud In Here - A techno offering.
• Older - A realistic look at aging.
• Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - This was the first TMBG song I heard, on an episode of Tiny Toons.
• Boss Of Me - The theme song to Malcolm In The Middle.
• Particle Man - The second TMBG song I heard, on the same episode of Tiny Toons.
• Spy - A TMBG espionage song.
• Dead - Philosophical, yes. Strange, yes. TMBG, absolutely.
• Alphabet of Nations - I never knew West Xylophone existed, but they even have a web site.
• The Mesopotamians - From TMBG's latest album.
• Whistling In The Dark - Fun, bouncy, strange.
• Birdhouse In Your Soul - If you ever wondered what went on in the mind of a night light.

From Weird Al Yankovic:

• Smells Like Nirvana - Al's parody of Nirvana.
• Pancreas - A tribute to Brian Wilson and an underappreciated organ.
• Trigger Happy - A style parody of the Beach Boys.
• White and Nerdy - A parody of Chamillionaire, and Al's most recent hit.
• Spatula City - And now, a word from our sponsors, courtesy of UHF.
• Alternative Polka - A polka medley of alternative music from the mid-90s.
• EBay - The Backstreet Boys meet Weird Al. Check out the vibrato at the end.
• You're Pitiful - James Blunt's record label wouldn't give Al permission to release this on an album, though Blunt did. Al subsequently released it for free on the internet.
• Dare To Be Stupid - A style parody of Devo.
• It's All About The Pentiums - Al takes on Puff Daddy.
• One More Minute - Doo-wop.
• Don't Download This Song - Al's tribute to tribute songs.

Previous playlists can be found on the posts for January 28 and February 28, 2008. I guess I broke tradition by posting this one on the 18th, huh.

Ambushed

A new one on Bloglish Tales...it's called "Ambushed", and part I can be found here. Whenever I watch one of those stupid hidden camera shows, I feel very sorry for the people who are the victims. I see them getting humiliated on national television, and they're just supposed to laugh and be a good sport about it. I can't imagine the extra humiliation they get from people that know them. So, I wrote this story about a victim, and tried to present the negative effect the show had on his life. It's probably a little dark for some people, but there you go. Some of the pranks I originally came up with did not make it into the published draft, either because they were stupid, or obvious, or plagiarized from other sources. I hope the final result is at least semi-original (thanks to my wife for helping me with the taxi scene, which was really dumb in my original outline).

It seems like I've been doing more with Bloglish Tales than any of my other blogs lately. I did just post a new list in the Eleven, but I haven't done anything with Hamville or the Game Zone in a while. I think with Hamville, I'm just recharging my creative juices with other projects. With the Game Zone, I'm trying to find other games I can use. It doesn't help when most of the games in books don't work for the population I want them to work for.

Lots o' shtuff

It's been busy around lately. To recap:

1. We're moving to Illinois at the end of May so I can go to graduate school at Illinois State and so the wife can hopefully go to U of I for library science.
   
2. We found a house to rent for $250 less than what we're paying now.
3. I had jury duty today, and got called with the first group, but the case resolved as we were sitting in the hall and I got to go home.
4. I register for classes tomorrow.
5. Work continues to be hectic.

I haven't been blogging much, what with everything else, but I'll post some more as time goes on.

1000 Blank White Cards

I was going to post this in the Game Zone, but I'm not sure it really works for any of my groups. Possibly Group Three, but I think this game would be better posted here.

1000 Blank White Cards is another game I discovered on BoardgameGeek. It's a public domain game, and all it requires is something to write with and a bunch of index cards. You don't necessarily have to have one thousand, but you may get there eventually.

To begin with, on your very first playing of the game, pass out six blank white cards to each player. Each player then must put three things on the card - a title, an illustration, and an instruction.

• The title should be a brief description of what the card is. It can range from serious (POT OF GOLD) to silly (MEATBALL ATTACK) to meaningless (FIZZLE LUMPKIN).
• The illustration should illustrate what the card is about. If the title was POT OF GOLD, you might draw a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. If the title was MEATBALL ATTACK, you might draw a meatball with fangs. If the title was FIZZLE LUMPKIN...you get the idea. Don't feel like you have to be the world's greatest artist. A stick figure or smiley face is fine. But please put a little effort into it - scribbling on the card is no fun for anyone.
• The instruction is what the players must do now. It can be absolutely anything. +100 points, -200 points, take an extra turn, lose a turn, draw an extra card, jump up and down ten times, bark like a chicken, whatever. It may be a good idea to set a limit on number of points that can be awarded or taken away by a single card, such as +1000 or -1000. You don't have to, though, if you don't want to.

Once the cards have been made and placed face down in the center of the table, the dealer adds four more blank cards per player to the deck, shuffles, and deals five cards to each player. The rest of the deck goes face down in the center of the table.

The player to the dealer's left goes first. First, they draw, then they play. They can play a card on themselves (which they may want to do if it adds points), in which case they'll put the card in front of themselves. They can play a card on anyone else (which they may want to do if the cards takes points away), in which case they'll put the card in front of one of the other players. They can also play the card, but if its usefulness is done after they play it (such as lose a turn or take an extra turn), they discard the card face up next to the draw pile. These cards may not be used again, unless a card comes up that makes them playable again.

During the course of a game, players will come across some of the extra blank cards that were shuffled into the deck. The players may create those cards as the game goes on as they see fit. If someone has given themselves +infinity points or something ridiculous like that, players can create cards for themselves that negate that amount.

When the draw pile is depleted, players no longer draw first, but play their cards one at a time on their turn. When one player runs out of cards, the game is over. Add up all points in front of each player to determine the final score.

However, most serious 1KBWC players don't see this as the end of the game. In the game's epilogue, all cards used in the game are laid out, and each player picks five cards (not their own) that will be used in the next game. Many players say that whoever has the most cards picked at the end of the game is the true winner. The cards that are selected go into a seed deck for the next game, while the other cards can be disposed of or saved for posterity.

In future games, players should only create 3 cards before the game (unless it is their first time). Four cards are still added to the deck for each player in the game.

This is a pretty fun game. I've played it once, trying to nail down the intricacies, and I'm ready to play again.

I apparently didn't learn my lesson

So, a couple of months ago, I posted my jubilation over Duke beating Carolina. Since then, Duke's season went south. Duke lost a few games to bad teams, lost to Carolina in Durham, lost in the second round of the ACC tournament, nearly lost in the first round of the NCAA tourney, then lost for one last time in the second round. Carolina, meanwhile, didn't lose. They won the ACC regular season, the ACC tournament, and the first four rounds of the NCAA tournament by a combined score of 372-271. So, have I learned my lesson about gloating?

NO! Hooray for Kansas!

Seriously. I know Kansas loved beating Roy, and I know all faithful ABC fans like myself were dancing in the streets last night, especially when Carolina a favorite. Actually, I think I heard as many people picking UNC as were picking Kansas or UCLA. I don't think I've heard anyone pick Memphis, though they've proved everyone wrong and I wouldn't be surprised if they won it all. I am picking Kansas now, since my original champ lost (UCLA to Memphis).

Now, it's on to baseball. Go Cubs!

The Secret of Twah

Hey, folks, a story just ended its run on Bloglish Tales. It's one of my favorite jokes from when I was younger, and I fleshed it out into a story. It's really funny (to me), and I hope you enjoy it. Go here for the first part, and click on the links at the end of each part for the whole story (there are nine parts in all).

March Links

Here are the wacky websites for March.

MARCH 5 - If you're tired of those porktinis (see January Links), try some of this flavorful beverage.
MARCH 7 - For your cuteness quotient, check out this site for a bunny popularity contest.
MARCH 12 - Tackiness abounds, but if that's for you, then this is for you.
MARCH 14 - Hungry? How about a custom made hot dog? Still hungry?
MARCH 16 - If you ever wanted to know how to build an atomic rocket (according to the sci-fi world), here ya go.
MARCH 17 - Here's the amazing Coors Light Beer Bottle Organ! Could Budweiser do any better?
MARCH 20 - From Roadside America, here's your guide to America's oversized coffee pots.
MARCH 27 - Were you any good at US geography? No? Well, try this challenge to make sure. The best I could do was 47 out of 50, with an average error of 11 miles.
MARCH 28 - Get your air guitars here! With lessons!
MARCH 30 - Those who know me know the obsession with toast. Imagine my joy at finding this.
MARCH 31 - First, listen to this song by They Might Be Giants. Now, go listen to the original (called Why Does The Sun Shine), along with much more edutainment, here.

Also see February Links.

Lost in translation

I frequent the Boardgame Geek website, and I enjoy looking some lists people make. One use recently posted a list about his son who has autism, and sopme of the games the son enjoys. It's very interesting. Through that, one of the comments points to this article, which talks about a woman named Amanda. Amanda has autism has translated some of her thoughts for us who don't speak her language. It references a video, which is what I'm posting here. You may not get it, but give it a try before giving up. Oh, and turn off the blog music first.



This is very interesting to me, as this is the population I work with. The most important point she makes, as I see it, is that her failure to learn our language is seen as a deficit, while our failure to learn her language is seen as being acceptable. We do need to understand that communication is not simply what we understand it to be in our view of things, but other people communicate in different ways.

If you look the video up on YouTube, you'll see that Amanda does respond to people's comments of the video, not all of which are completely positive.

Blogs out the ears!

No, Bloglish is not introducing a new blog. Not yet. However, I did create a new blog at Live Journal this morning as a way to focus my thoughts, meditations, and reflections. I really like the Live Journal method of blogging as it has a feature to post private messages that are only visible to you. And that's what this entire blog is going to be, a private blog that no one else can see. Why am I even telling you this? It may be good for other people that have thoughts they want to put together, but still keep private. The way I see it, this blog will be just for me, with God reading over my shoulder. I'm really going to try to forge a deeper relationship with the big man upstairs.

What brought this on? Well, a combination of several things. I've been having some temper problems lately. Our dog is driving me up the wall. And I feel like there's a lot of things going on in my life that just need more spiritual support. Plus, I was up at 2:30 this morning, wide awake and unable to sleep hardly at all, so I put it together. Rereading it, its pretty coherent for a three o'clock composition. Again, you'll never know.

Just wanted to get that off my chect. I've been taking a bit of a break from blogging recently, but I'm getting restarted. More to come.

It's madness, I tell you! MADNESS!

Ah, March. That blessed time of year when 65 college basketball teams wage war to find out which will claim the title of national champion. In 64 games over three weekends, only one will emerge victorious. The only question is: who will it be?

I really only allow myself to get completely obsessed with one sporting event all year, and that is the NCAA tournament. I mean, I enjoy the Super Bowl and the World Series, but I don't really get obsessed unless my team is in it. That doesn't happen very often...it's one of the problems I encounter being a Cubs fan. But the whole process of the NCAA tournament fascinates me...figuring out who the teams will be, where they'll play, who they'll play, then deciding who will win every game before game one has even tipped off. It's great.

My only real beef with the tournament as it is now is the play-in game. Basically, the two worst teams in the tournament play a game to determine who has the right to get thumped by the overall number one seed in the first round. It's nice to get more schools in the tournament, but I have a problem with putting two small schools that won their conference tournament in this game. The only way these two teams (Coppin State and Mount St. Mary's) will ever make it to the NCAAs is by winning their conference tournaments. So rather than letting them play in the actual tournament, they have to play each other to see which one makes the final 64 and will lose to UNC. It's a stupid system. I say make some of the bubble teams (teams that only got an at-large bid by the skin of their teeth) play each other for a 12 seed if you want, but let the conference champions play in the actual tournament. Yes, Coppin State and Mount St. Mary's have no chance, but let them play. End of rant.

So, with Selection Sunday yesterday, we have a tournament, and I've made my picks. I'm always concerned about advertising them in case I jinx something, but whatever happens happens. I'm going with UCLA over Kansas in the championship game.

Some More Movies

Here's some recommendations of movies I've watched recently. There's quite a range here. Comedy, love story, musical, western.

IDIOCRACY: This is the second live action movie directed by Mike Judge, who previously brought you Office Space, King of the Hill, and that intellectual masterpiece known as Beavis and Butthead. It seems to me that B&B influenced a lot of Idiocracy, as most of the characters talked and acted exactly like them. The movie takes the premise that "survival of the fittest" no longer applies to the human species. Our most intelligent people aren't breeding, putting their career first or finding other reasons to wait. Meanwhile, our dumbest people are popping babies out all over the place. So, when Joe (Luke Wilson) and Rita (Maya Rudolph) volunteer for an army hibernation project that goes wrong and end up waking 500 years later, they awaken in a world that has gotten much dumber. Joe was average in our society; now, he's the smartest man in the world. Naturally, the people want him to solve all their problems, which he attempts to do with mixed results. The movie is very funny, and I would recommend it with a warning that the language is very crude.

ONCE: This is an independent film out of Ireland. It has a sweet story about two strangers that meet and literally make beautiful music together. It's a very mellow movie, with no violence or sex, just lots of cursing. The story, however, mostly just serves as a backdrop to the soundtrack, which is incredible. In fact, the movie just seems like one long music video. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova wrote the music, performed it in the movie, and acted. They also performed the song "Falling Slowly" at the Oscars, which deservingly won. It also produced one of the greatest moments in Oscar telecast history. Hansard accepted his award first, but when Irglova stepped up to speak, she was cut off by the orchestra. During the break, the producers decided to give her a second chance to say something (they were ahead of schedule anyway), and she gave a passioned speech about independent music. It was a great moment. Anyway, I'll recommend the movie, but I recommend the music more.

OLIVER!: Oliver! holds a special place in my heart, as I played the role of the Artful Dodger when I was in fifth grade in an adult production of the show (a local reviewer even said I had the most convincing British accent in the show, which still makes me laugh since one of the cast members was actually British). I haven't watched the 1968 movie in a long time, but now I have. It's really quite excellent. The music is wonderful, the choreography is very tight, the cinematography is beautiful, and the performances are mostly superb. The kid who plays Oliver still bothers me, but Ron Moody's Fagin steals the show, while Oliver Reed's Bill Sykes becomes as menacing a villain as there is. If you don't know the story, a runaway orphan named Oliver Twist gets mixed up with some petty criminals on his way to discovering his destiny. It was the last musical before Chicago in 2002 to win the Best Picture Oscar. I highly recommend it.

3:10 TO YUMA: I don't generally like Westerns. Unforgiven was good, if depressing. Blazing Saddles, of course, though that's more of a parody than an actual Western. I can't really count Back To The Future part III as that's technically scifi. I've seen bits and pieces of the spaghetti westerns, and they seemed pretty good. Mostly, Westerns don't do anything for me (am I the only person in the world that didn't like Tombstone? It feels like it sometimes). 3:10 To Yuma was definitely an exception. It's a fascinating story about men tying to transport a notorious outlaw (Ben Wade, played by Russell Crowe) to Contention, where they'll get him on the 3:10 train to Yuma Prison. Unfortunately, Wade's men are after them, and it takes a lot of courage by Dan Evans (Christian Bale) to get him there. It's a powerful movie, and probably unjustly overlooked by the Academy, but I'll recommend. It's very violent, however...just to warn you.

There you go. Enjoy.

TV on DVD

I love TV on DVD. It's the perfect opportunity to get into shows I haven't watched. I'm the type of guy that really doesn't like to come into a TV show in the middle...I don't know the characters or the storyline, and being lost just doesn't add to my enjoyment. That may be why I couldn't get into Jericho...I saw an episode in the middle of the first season, I was lost, I never watched another one. I had a friend that swore it was the greatest thing on TV, but I just couldn't get it.

A couple of TV shows I've been catching up on with DVDs are The Office and Lost. I started both at the beginning of their DVDs, and really got into them that way. Lost is a colossal mind bender, with all kinds of mysteries. I've really enjoyed the way they use flashbacks to build a character's story, and I think it's a really great ensemble show. I've caught up through season three, and now I need to watch the episodes that are on the internet for season four.

I've also really gotten into The Office. It's absolutely hilarious. The characters are very well conceived, and despite their faults, you can't help but root for them, particularly Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute (played by Steve Carell and Rainn Wilson). I'm seven episodes into the third season of that one.

I tried to get into 30 Rock. I got about halfway through the second episode before turning it off. I've heard it got much better later in the first season, and maybe I'll try it again some other time. Tracy McGrady just really annoys me. Another one I tried was Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I only watched one episode of. Larry David was just irritating me too much.

Heroes is a show I have on hold at the library, so I may be getting into that one soon.

I had the good fortune to start watching 24 when it premiered. I watched the first episode, then the second half of the fourth, and I've only missed one episode since (somewhere in Season Four). It is my favorite show, despite the sixth season being terrible.

So, to recap:
GOOD: 24, Lost, The Office
NOT AS GOOD: 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm
TO COME: Heroes

Yet another Bloglish Blog

I just don't know when to quit. I'd like to announce the launching of the newest member of the Bloglish family, Bloglish Tales. It will feature my story writing, mostly because I think this is the only way I'll ever get published. The full script for The Adventures of Captain Obvious is there, and I've started a new story, The PC Viper Chronicles. It's Chapter One, because I think it may turn into a larger work. However, I think there will be six or seven parts to this first chapter.

The blog itself will probably not be updated very often unless I have an ongoing story. I'll try to let you know here if there's a new story beginning. Happy reading.

February Links

Here are my links for February, as found in my calendar of wacky websites (that aren't necessarily all that wacky). I hope you enjoy.

FEBRUARY 6 - Here you will find some of the wit and wisdom of journalist H.L. Mencken. One of my favorites: "Nature abhors a moron."
FEBRUARY 9 - NPR has archived some of their past human interest stories. It's an interesting bit of history. (You need RealAudio for this one.)
FEBRUARY 12 - If you've ever wonder what sickness the presidents have suffered from, here you go. If not...well, there you are anyway.
FEBRUARY 13 - HEY! That washcloth was white in the last shot! And weren't the hinges on the other side of the door when they were outside? And who keeps closing and opening that car door between shots? If you've ever nitpicked a movie like that, this is the site for you. (Bonus points to anyone who knows the movie I'm referring to)
FEBRUARY 15 - Let's say you want to see a movie, but you only have thirty seconds. Here, you'll find over forty movies that have been condensed and recast...with bunnies!
FEBRUARY 19 - Roses are red, violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, some don't. But this site can fix that.
FEBRUARY 24 - Get your daily sound bytes here in .wav format. The lines used come from movies and television.
FEBRUARY 26 - Send a postcard to your friends and family from a number of places around the world from this site. And yes, you can even send one from the biggest ball of twine in the world.
FEBRUARY 29 - Take this quiz, and find out which fantasy character you are most like. Apparently, I'm most like Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.

Plus, here's a bonus link for you, a site that I've discovered in your last couple of days. Garfield Minus Garfield takes Garfield out of the equation and leaves a very sad portrait of Jon Arbuckle. Actually, it's really funny.

PREVIOUS BLOGLISH LINK LIST:
January

More music for ya

A new playlist. I've done something different this time...you'll be hearing it right when you launch the page, as long as you have your computer's sound on. You can turn it off if you want. The tracks:

1. Doctor Worm (They Might Be Giants) - My theme song. Gotta have it first.
2. Welcome to the Black Parade (My Chemical Romance) - I love this band's sound. It's huge. Plus, it's a great song.
3. Title of the Song (Da Vinci's Notebook) - The standard boy band musical formula has been plugged into this a capella song by Da Vinci's Notebook. It's very funny, but I apologize for the laughter in the background. I think this recording was done in a radio studio, and the DJs just had to laugh into their microphones.
4. Hotel California (Gipsy Kings) - A Spanish version of the Eagles classic.
5. Korobeiniki (Ozma) - Anyone who ever played much Tetris will recognize this almost instantaneously. I apologize if this gets it restuck in your head.
6. Dead Man's Party (Oingo Boingo) - Oingo Boingo had some terrific songs, and this is one of my favorites. The band produced Danny Elfman, who is now a well-respected film composer.
7. Oops!...I Did It Again (Richard Thompson) - Yes, it's a Britney Spears song, but I much prefer this version to hers.
8. Redemption Song (Bob Marley) - This is a beautiful song, and such a passionate performance by Bob Marley.
9. Gimme Some Money (The Thamesmen) - This hit by the Thamesmen led to a long and fruitful musical career for the band, who later renamed themselves Spinal Tap.
10. Sultans of Swing (Dire Straits) - This is just a grooving song. Great guitar work, great music.
11. Mahna Mahna (The Muppets) - This song makes no sense. I love it.
12. Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel) - Gabriel's first single after splitting from the band Genesis. The song is an exploration of his feelings following that split. It's a wonderful song, and the meter is in 7 rather than the traditional 4.
13. Genius In France (Weird Al Yankovic) - This is Weird Al's tribute to one of his inspirations, the great Frank Zappa.
14. Tamacun (Rodrigo y Gabriela) - Great acoustic guitar work.
15. It's Over (Squirrel Nut Zippers) - And let's close the playlist out with this one.

Hope you enjoy. If you go to the music post from 1/28/08, you'll find a link to my old playlist.

EDIT: And here's the link to this one.

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VII

When last we left Captain Obvious and Dr. Sarcasm, they had just arrived at the Obvious Cave to find someone waiting for them...the Worm.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me, but this is a private facility. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.

WORM: Oh, I’ll leave all right...after I’ve killed you. (pulls a gun from his coat)

OBVIOUS: Fiend! Who are you?

SARCASM: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you could figure that out on your own. Worm, Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious, allow me to present...The Worm.

OBVIOUS: AHA! I was getting too close so you’ve sniffed me out to try and catch me off guard!

WORM: Too close? Apparently not.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

WORM: Three months ago, I developed an elaborate scheme to capture you and rid this town of your poison once and for all. I began to murder people under the pseudonym of “The Worm.” I knew the police would call you in to help them solve the case, because they would be completely clueless...I was very careful. I covered all of my tracks, I was extraordinarily efficient. I wanted my opportunity to destroy you... but I never got it. I underestimated the police department’s need of you. I continued to kill, hoping the clueless police department would give up and call you in. But they didn’t. So I used the Mayor’s technology against you...I began to kill in populated areas, so the neighbors might e-mail their emergencies in. And sure enough, one idiot lady did, and you finally arrived on the scene.

OBVIOUS: Idiot? She was just doing her civic duty, and while I’m flattered that you’d go through all of this just to satisfy some deep personal grudge against me, you could have just told me your concerns, and we could’ve gone to Starbucks and discussed what I could be doing over a nice frappucino...

WORM: I’M NOT FINISHED WITH THE DENOUEMENT YET!!!

OBVIOUS: Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Please continue.

WORM: I waited at the scene of the crime after the cops had cleared out. Waited for you to come back and search for clues that you or the incompetent police department may have missed. But no, you sent your sidekick. Fine, I said. I’ll abduct the sidekick, and when Captain Obvious comes to rescue him, I’ll destroy them both. BUT YOU NEVER CAME!

OBVIOUS: I was waiting at the rendezvous point! How was I supposed to know!

WORM: SILENCE!

OBVIOUS: A please would be nice...

WORM: (ignoring him) All night, I awaited your arrival. Finally, I released your sidekick. He was of no use to me dead since it was apparent that you cared nothing for him. So I decided to wait for you at your “secret lair.”

OBVIOUS: Yes, how did you find this place anyway? Did you torture the information out of poor Dr. Sarcasm?

WORM: It was in the phone book.

SARCASM: I hate to tell you I told you so, but...who am I kidding? I love to tell you I told you so! Nyeah!

OBVIOUS: The phone book, eh? I knew this had something to do with the phone book!

SARCASM: Yes, you’re very smart.

OBVIOUS: You selected all your victims from the phone book in a ruthless attempt to eliminate the good citizens of this town one by one!

WORM: Wait...haven’t you been listening? I killed those people so I could get to you!

OBVIOUS: Then, when I discovered your pattern, you decided I was too close for comfort and you came here to get the drop on me!

WORM: No! Are you deaf?

SARCASM: You see what I have to deal with everyday?

OBVIOUS: But you’ll never get away with it, you monster! For I am Captain Obvious, beloved superhero and protector of the entire city! In the unlikely instance that anything should happen to me, the people would go up in arms! You’d never had a moment’s peace! You’d be a fugitive from justice all the rest of your day!

WORM: I...I...I don’t know what to say...

OBVIOUS: Ah, the stirrings of a conscience! Give yourself up now, and I may be able to get your sentence commuted from one billion years in prison to one million!

WORM: No...it’s just...

OBVIOUS: Yes?

WORM: Well...I’ve wasted the last three months of my life trying to destroy an ignoramus!

OBVIOUS: Beg your pardon?

WORM: You! Eight people are dead because I thought you were a superhero worthy of my most evil schemes! Turns out your just another lunatic in tights!

OBVIOUS: Excuse me? Lunatic? Me? Mr. I-Killed-Eight-People-Because-I’m Jealous? I’ll have you know I have certifications in superherohood from nineteen different comic book conventions!

WORM: (pause) OK. Fine! Show me a super power!

OBVIOUS: What?

WORM: One super power! That’s all! Just one! One eensy-weensy super power, and I’ll turn myself in. I’ll even plug myself into the electric chair.

SARCASM: You know, I’m kind of interested in seeing this myself.

OBVIOUS: I don’t have to justify myself to either of you!

WORM: Oh, come on! Zap me with your laser beam eyes! Or fly around the room! Leap tall buildings in a single bound! Outrace a train! Zap me with lightning bolts from your fingers!

SARCASM: Drink spoiled milk and don’t get sick.

WORM: I’m waiting, Captain Obvious! Prove you’re worth sparing!

OBVIOUS: I once went a whole day without eating potato chips...

WORM: I knew it. Nothing. Well, maybe nothing...

OBVIOUS: I’m sorry?

WORM: One little test... (raises gun) ...to see if you’re bulletproof.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (offstage) FREEZE!

(At this, several police come in and apprehend THE WORM. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY are among them.)

WORM: NOOOOOOOOO! Five more seconds! Please! Just let me kill him! Then do whatever you want with me! Please!

(SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS looks torn. He looks at THE WORM, then at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, and back to THE WORM.)

MCGUNKY: You know you can’t let him do that, sir.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How about mutilation? Not kill him, just put him in a hospital for a few months.

MCGUNKY: Sergeant.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yeah, I know. Take him away, boys.

WORM: (fighting against the cops) THIS ISN’T OVER, OBVIOUS! YOU WILL DIE BY MY HANDS! I SWEAR IT! (he’s dragged off kicking and screaming)

OBVIOUS: Well done, officers! But how did you know?

MCGUNKY: The Mayor called us and told us that Dr. Sarcasm had spent the night in The Worm’s custody. We actually just came to get his statement, finding The Worm was just a happy coincidence. And it looks like we arrived just in time.

OBVIOUS: And how, may I ask, did you find my secret lair?

MCGUNKY: It’s in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (turning to DR. SARCASM) You see, Dr. Sarcasm? Had I followed your advice and kept an unlisted number, we may never have caught that madman!

SARCASM: Well, I don’t suppose I can argue with that...

OBVIOUS: (turning back to the officers) Well, gentlemen, I applaud you for doing your duty. Once again, you have justified my decision to vote against tax cuts that would hurt the police department. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: Yah.

OBVIOUS: There are many more crimes to solve in the sleeping city! Come along! Gentlemen, can you lock up when you’re done?

MCGUNKY: Oh...er...yeah, I guess so.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful! To the Obviousmobile! (exits)

SARCASM: Off on another exciting adventure! Hoo-RAY! We’re off to see the wizard... (skips out)

MCGUNKY: (looking at his watch) Sleeping city? It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: We should’ve let The Worm kill him.

MCGUNKY: Oh, I don’t know...somewhere, there’s hurt...somewhere there’s pain...somewhere there’s suffering...and wherever you find criminals...you will find Captain Obvious!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And isn’t that a bad thing?

MCGUNKY: Yeah, you’re right. We should have let The Worm kill him. (both exit)

THE END

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VI

The Obvious Cave. When CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM enter, it is dark.

OBVIOUS: Lights! (nothing happens) AHEM! I said LIGHTS! (Nothing continues to happen. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS claps his hands. Nothing persists in happening.) Nothing seems to be happening.

SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Sherlock.

OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Darn, screwed up again.

OBVIOUS: You know, this memory thing is going to get you into real trouble some day. Perhaps you should...oh.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: I understand. Dr. SARCASM. As in being sarcastic. I just caught that.

SARCASM: Did you think that was just my last name?

OBVIOUS: Well...yes.

SARCASM: You thought my name was something like John Sarcasm? What’s your real name, George Obvious?

OBVIOUS: Bill, actually.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: Bill Obvious. I didn’t know we could choose different names. Interesting.

SARCASM: I’m not having this conversation.

OBVIOUS: But, this doesn’t explain why the lights aren’t on.

SARCASM: Did you try the light switch?

OBVIOUS: Ah. The maid must have turned it off there by accident.

SARCASM: The maid?

OBVIOUS: Yes.

SARCASM: When did we get a maid?

OBVIOUS: Oh, didn’t I tell you? She started last week. I got tired of cleaning up after myself, so I hired a maid.

SARCASM: Why don’t we just have a big sign out front that says, “CAPTAIN OBVIOUS’ SECRET LAIR”?

OBVIOUS: It wouldn’t be secret then, would it?

SARCASM: Yeah, and we’re hiding it from the world anyway by having it in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (at the light switch) Let there be light! (And it is so. But looking around the room, they see that it has been ransacked.) Merciful heavens! We’ve been robbed!

SARCASM: How do you think they found us?

OBVIOUS: More importantly, who is “they”?

VOICE: (coldly, from offstage) I think you know the answer to that, Captain Obvious.

OBVIOUS: That voice...who is it...

WORM: (emerges from the shadows, stage left) We meet at last.
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Can Captain Obvious and Doctor Sarcasm possibly get out of this alive? What nefarious scheme does the Worm have planned? Is Captain Obvious a real captain? WHEN WILL THIS STORY END?!? The answers to some of these questions, plus some others that I didn't mention, and minus some that you really want to know but won't, can be found in the thrilling finale of THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!

Oscar Predictions

Let me take a quick break from Captain Obvious to throw out my Oscar predictions for tomorrow night. There's no real surprises here, the only one the experts seem to disagree on is Supporting Actress. I'm also just going to predict categories I know something about.

BEST PICTURE - No Country For Old Men. This is the only one of the five I've seen, and it's great. I do want to see the other nominees (except Atonement), but No Country has all the momentum, and I think it's a lock.

BEST DIRECTOR - Joel and Ethan Coen. They deserved it for Fargo in 1996, and now they'll get a well earned Oscar.

BEST ACTOR - Daniel Day-Lewis. From everything I've heard, his performance in There Will Be Blood is nothing short of perfect.

BEST ACTRESS - Julie Christie. This category is pretty stacked, and it is possible that Ellen Page will win for Juno, or Marion Cotillard for La Vie en Rose, but most of the buzz seems to be around Christie.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - Javier Bardem. If there was a performance talked about as much as Daniel Day-Lewis' this year, it was Javier Bardem's evil evil EVIL Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men. There's no competition.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - I'm going with Cate Blanchett for I'm Not There. The only one not really getting any talk in this category is Saoirse Ronan for Atonement, so this one is anyone's guess. Ruby Dee, Amy Ryan, and Tilda Swinton all have their supporters, but I'm going with Blanchett.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Juno. It's a critical darling, it'll win.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - No Country For Old Men. I've been reading the book lately, and it's astounding how well it was adapted.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE - Ratatouille. I haven't seen Persopolis, but I've heard grumblings that it was up for best foreign film. I've also heard grumblings that Ratatouille wasn't up for best picture, and that's the one I'm picking.

BEST MAKEUP - I don't have a prediction here, but I would like to express my outrage that Norbit got nominated. I don't care how convincing the makeup was, you can't tell me that there wasn't a more deserving good movie.

And by the way, congratulations to Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, and Daddy Day Camp on their well deserved Razzies this year.

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part V

The Obviousmobile. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is driving.

OBVIOUS: ...and so, if we line up all the victims as relates to their position in the phone book, we may be able to discover his method of flipping. Random flipping usually alternates between sections, front and back. We just may have a chance here.

SARCASM: As usual, your intellect enthralls me.

OBVIOUS: (pause) You know, Dr. Sarcasm, it occurs to me that when you say things like that, you’re not always being entirely forthcoming.

SARCASM: Whatever gave you that idea?

OBVIOUS: Well, I am Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Right, I keep forgetting.

OBVIOUS: It’s strange that you would keep forgetting that.

SARCASM: Completely bizarre. Perhaps I should see a doctor.

OBVIOUS: But you are a doctor.

SARCASM: A doctor of sarcasmology...we’re not quite qualified to perform complicated medical procedures like lobotomies...though we’d really like to try on some people.

OBVIOUS: Where do you get that sort of degree?

SARCASM: In sarcasmology?

OBVIOUS: No, in underwater basket weaving.

SARCASM: (impressed) Well done!

OBVIOUS: What?

SARCASM: A fine display of sarcasm! There’s hope for you yet!

OBVIOUS: I was serious. I was thinking about it this morning, in the shower, and wondered where underwater basket weavers got their training. It seems logical that some universities and institutions of higher learning would have such a program, though I’ve never come across them. That’s what a lobotomy is, isn’t it? A style of underwater basket weaving?

SARCASM: Thank you for proving that cynicism is always going to be the best method of dealing with your kind. Guess that’ll teach me to jump to conclusions...

OBVIOUS: Nonetheless, we must concentrate on the task at hand! The Obvious Cave awaits!

SARCASM: Oh boy.