The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part II

The Obvious Cave. It’s actually just a room, with various gizmos and gadgets lying around. The Obviousmobile sits in the background. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM stand at a table examining various bits of evidence.

OBVIOUS: (holding up a fragment of glass) Hmm. I believe this piece of glass comes from the window in the apartment.

SARCASM: Really? I could have sworn it came from the body,

OBVIOUS: (looks puzzled) But...the body’s not made of glass.

SARCASM: Oh. My mistake.

OBVIOUS: (nods) Anyway, there aren’t any fingerprints on the glass, so it’s no help. (throws the glass over his shoulder) Now if only we could figure out how the killer got in.

SARCASM: I may be barking up the wrong tree, but d’ya think he might have come through the window?

OBVIOUS: (snaps fingers) Of course! That would explain why the window is broken! But...how?

SARCASM: Gee, I don’t know. Glass is awfully strong. I don’t think anything could break it... especially not that brick we found.

OBVIOUS: Now that’s where you’re wrong, my faithful sidekick. (picks up the brick and examines it as he speaks) A brick, thrown with the right amount of force and at the proper velocity, could easily shatter a window.

SARCASM: Oh dear. I seem to be mistaken again.

OBVIOUS: Not to worry, old chum.

SARCASM: Thanks, Batman.

OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Whatever.

OBVIOUS: That’s an odd mistake to make.

SARCASM: I have no idea where it came from...old chum.

OBVIOUS: All is forgiven. Anyway, if we could ascertain the location from which the brick originated, we may increase the probability of the dastardly villain’s apprehension.

SARCASM: Been reading our thesaurus again, have we?

OBVIOUS: Why, yes!

SARCASM: Well, I hate to throw a monkey wrench in your gears, old chump, but brick makers don’t usually weld serial numbers into their product for easy tracing. Good idea though!

OBVIOUS: Yes, I suppose you’re right. (puts the brick back down) Well, I’m stumped. Any other ideas?

SARCASM: Gee, what other clues were there? I doubt very seriously that the giant message in blood will help us.

OBVIOUS: (excitedly) The giant message in blood! How foolish we’ve been! If we tested that blood, we could find out the type and narrow our search down!

SARCASM: Brilliant! I’m one hundred percent certain that the killer used his own blood instead of the blood of his victim!

OBVIOUS: (frowns) I’m not. We would have to be dealing with one sick twisted freak to mutilate himself like that for a message.

SARCASM: Gee, Captain Obvious, I never thought of it that way.

OBVIOUS: (cheerfully) Never fear, Dr. Sarcasm! It takes a highly trained thought process to understand the criminal mind! You’re just my sidekick...you’ll get it one of these days.

SARCASM: I can’t wait.

OBVIOUS: But perhaps there are other clues in the message. What did it say again? “The Worm strikes again.” Hmm. This implies that this “Worm” fellow has struck before.

SARCASM: (astounded) You know, I think that’s the single most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.

OBVIOUS: You flatter me. I heard Sergeant Constantinopolous asking Detective McGunky about it while we were collecting evidence.

SARCASM: Oh. Should’ve guessed.

OBVIOUS: But it does raise the question as to what dastardly deeds the Worm has perpetrated in the past. Maybe there are patterns. (The phone rings, and CAPTAIN OBVIOUS picks it up.) Hello, Captain Obvious speaking. (listens, then) Hold on, I’ll check. Ah, Dr. Sarcasm?

SARCASM: Sir, yes sir!

OBVIOUS: Are we happy with our long distance service?

SARCASM: (doesn’t say a word, just glares at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS)

OBVIOUS: (back to the receiver) Uh, we’re fine, thank you. (hangs up) Blasted telemarketers. Don’t they understand this line needs to be kept open for emergencies?

SARCASM: Have you ever considered NOT having a listed number?

OBVIOUS: But then how would anyone be able to find us in times of distress?

SARCASM: I’m just saying, it’s very possible that having the number AND address of our SECRET LAIR in the phone book might be a bad idea.

OBVIOUS: Duly noted. Now where were we? Ah yes. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: I await thy bidding, oh master.

OBVIOUS: (looks startled) What?

SARCASM: Oh, nothing. What do you want?

OBVIOUS: I need you to go to the scene of the crime and see if we missed anything. I’m off to the police station to research the Worm’s previous criminal activities. Meet me in the mayor’s office as soon as possible.

SARCASM: (stares for a moment, then) You go to the scene of the crime.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

SARCASM: Every time we separate, I get beat up. Remember that time we were in that old abandoned warehouse chasing The Gruesome Fivesome?

OBVIOUS: Ah, yes. My finest hour.

SARCASM: Absolutely. When we split up, I got jumped by those goons and tied up over a vat of boiling water. If you hadn’t tripped over the power cord, I wouldn’t have fallen and gotten to spend the next month in the hospital with third degree burns.

OBVIOUS: We also wouldn’t have caught them.

SARCASM: The cops ambushed them!

OBVIOUS: Under cover of darkness, which I provided!

SARCASM: I’m not going to the scene of the crime.

OBVIOUS: Yes, you are. I am the superhero, you are the sidekick. I am the leader, you are the follower. I am the employer, you are the employee. Now, go!

SARCASM: Fine. Just please rescue me properly this time.

OBVIOUS: That’s the spirit! To the Obviousmobile!

SARCASM: Yeah, this is going to go reeeeeaaaaallllly well.