The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part III

The police station. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS is working at his desk when DETECTIVE MCGUNKY buzzes him.

MCGUNKY: (offstage, as on an intercom) Run!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (looks up) What?

MCGUNKY: He’s here, and he wants to see you! RUN!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS
Who’s...oh no. No no no! (he leaps to his feet and makes a mad dash for the window)

OBVIOUS: (Enters right, looks around. Sees CONSTANTINOPOLOUS struggling to open the window, grins and walks over) Ah, Sergeant. Trying to get a bit of fresh air, eh?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (glowering at OBVIOUS) Yeah.

OBVIOUS: Well, I need to discuss a case with you. Do you remember the Worm incident I’ve been helping you with?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (slouches back to his desk in despair) You mean the one from this morning?

OBVIOUS: Yes, that one.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I seem to recall it. What do you need?

OBVIOUS: I...that is, we...that is, Dr. Sarcasm and I...he’s my sidekick, we discuss everything... well, except for personal matters, such as hygiene, relationships, matters from our other lives, meaning our secret identities...though we did have an excellent conversation last week about an absolutely fetching woman I met in the supermarket...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (shouting) CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! WHAT...DO...YOU...WANT?!?!?

OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed.

OBVIOUS: We had a theory on this Worm fellow. When he stated “The Worm strikes again” in his message, he made it sound like this was not his first attack.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And?

OBVIOUS: Well...was it?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (stares) Do you watch the news?

OBVIOUS: No. Comes on at the same time as “Friends.” I never miss that show.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you get the newspaper?

OBVIOUS: Can’t see the point, really. I can get all that information on the internet.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever use the internet?

OBVIOUS: Why yes! I’m an online backgammon champion!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever look at headlines, skim through current events, anything like that?

OBVIOUS: Well, of course not! There’s too much else to do on the internet than worry about looking at the news...though I’ve been following the trials and tribulations of Jennifer Lopez very carefully...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Forget it. No, it was not his first time, there have been seven other attacks.

OBVIOUS: Seven! Amazing how you’ve kept this investigation a secret for this long!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (bangs head on desk) Did you know that not only has the media been all over this story, they’re already in pre-production on the made-for-TV movie?

OBVIOUS: Really? That’s wonderful! Who did they get to play you? Wait, let me guess... Bronson Pinchot! Or, better yet, Corbin Bernsen! Yes, I think he would be the best choice...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (barely containing his rage) Captain Obvious!

OBVIOUS: Yes, Sergeant Constantinopolous?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Is there anything else? I’m very busy, we do have a serial killer to catch here.

OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Might I have access to the case files?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: No, you might not. You might go on the internet and look up “The Worm” and read the stories from all seven of his previous murders. Then you might get a clue and do some actual good in this town! But I’m not betting on it!

OBVIOUS: Very good suggestion, Sergeant. I’ll get right on that! To the public library! (exits stage right)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (punches the intercom button) McGunky!

MCGUNKY: (offstage) Yes sir?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: If you ever let that idiot in here again, I’ll kill you myself. (punches the button again, pulls out a bottle of whiskey, and drains it)