The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part IV

The mayor’s office. The MAYOR is behind his desk, talking on the phone.

MAYOR : Look, Constantinopolous...I know some of his methods are a bit unorthodox... (winces and pulls the phone from his ear, as if he’s being yelled at) ...but the fact remains that this town needs a superhero, and Captain Obvious is our only choice!.......No, we can’t fire him! We don’t even pay him!.......Now, I’m sure that’s just unsubstantiated gossip...what? Well, that takes a certain amount of ingenuity, doesn’t it? I mean, motorcycles don’t just climb up high dives by themselves.......I’ve had enough of this conversation, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I believe you have a serial killer on the loose, and I believe you need to be making every effort to capture him.......I don’t like the tone of your voice, Sergeant, but yes, he’s making every effort as well. After all two heads are better than one...yes, I know there’s more than one head on the police force, it’s only...never mind. Back to work, and I don’t want to hear another word about it. (slams the phone down, then presses the intercom button) Lois, no more calls. I need to think.

LOIS: (offstage, as if on an intercom) But sir, Captain Obvious is here to see you.

MAYOR: Well, send him in!

(The MAYOR walks over stage left to look out at the audience, as if looking out a window. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS enters stage right, notices the MAYOR, and goes to stand right behind his shoulder, also looking out at the audience. After a few moments, the MAYOR turns and starts upon noticing his new shadow.)

OBVIOUS: Hello, Mayor.

MAYOR: Please don’t do that again, Captain Obvious. (clasping his chest, he walks over to his desk and sits down) What can I do for you?

OBVIOUS: Well, there’s the small matter of this psychotic Worm on the loose...

MAYOR: Ah yes, the Worm...do you have any more information on that?

OBVIOUS: Yes, I spent the afternoon on the internet. It’s amazing, I didn’t realize the Worm was such a prolific villain...

MAYOR: Really? Even though he's been at large for three months?

OBVIOUS: Ah, so you’re familiar with the case file already. Good, that’ll cut down on the exposition time.

MAYOR: What?

OBVIOUS: I went through his list of victims very carefully, and tried to expose some patterns. First, I tried names. No luck there, alphabetically, letters contained, nothing. No patterns. I tried ages, genders, race, religion, type of underwear, favorite brand of cheese, CD collections, body type, and preference between Coke and Pepsi. Nothing. Then, I thought of something truly frightening. I tested my theory, and I was correct. I have found the common bond between all these victims!

MAYOR: (excitedly) And what is that, Captain Obvious?

OBVIOUS: They’re all...IN THE PHONE BOOK!

MAYOR: (A stunned silence follows. Then) The phone book.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: That’s...your big common thread.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: Hmm. (presses his intercom button) Lois?

LOIS: (offstage) Yes, sir?

MAYOR: Please call Sergeant Constantinopolous for me and convey my sincerest apologies for contradicting him.

LOIS: Yes, sir.

OBVIOUS: Been talking to Sergeant Constantinopolous, eh?

MAYOR: Yes. Just before you arrived, as a matter of fact.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful man. I sense that he somehow resents me being on the case, as if I am trying to steal his glory. He can put those fears to rest, however, because I want no glory for myself. My cause is the people, my fight is with evil. (standing up, voice getting louder and more dramatic) If I stop all the forces of darkness in this world and never see one headline, my job will be complete. For I am...

MAYOR: Captain Obvious!

OBVIOUS: (starts) Yes?

MAYOR: What do you propose to do next?

OBVIOUS: Oh! (looks at his watch, sits) Well, Dr. Sarcasm went to check out the scene of the crime. I told him to meet me here, so as soon as he arrives, we’ll scientifically examine the phone book to determine the Worm’s method, then logically discover the next victim and lay a trap! He’ll never know what hit ‘im!

MAYOR: So, when do you suppose Dr. Sarcasm will arrive?

OBVIOUS: Any minute now.

(Blackout, as if it is nighttime. MAYOR starts snoring)

OBVIOUS: Mayor! (MAYOR starts) We cannot rest. We must be alert when Dr. Sarcasm arrives!

(Lights come up, signifying the next day. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is sprawled out in his chair, fast asleep. The MAYOR has his head on his desk. Both are snoring. DR. SARCASM limps in from stage right, severely beaten up. He looks at both sleeping men, then screams. Both MAYOR and OBVIOUS jump)

SARCASM: Oh dear, did I disturb your slumber? A thousand apologies.

OBVIOUS: Quite all right... (yawns) What took you so long?

SARCASM: Well, I would have been here sooner, but I got jumped.

OBVIOUS: Jumped! Who would have expected that?

SARCASM: Apparently, just me.

OBVIOUS: What happened?

SARCASM: Well, the Worm was waiting outside the apartment when I arrived. He grabbed me, knocked me out, and took me to an undisclosed location. There I was beaten tortured and left to die hanging over a pool of sharks. All the time, I had to listen to him cackling and saying, “As soon as your Captain Obvious arrives to save you, you will both perish, moo hah hah hah hah, yadda yadda yadda, rule the world,” you know, basic villain stuff. So we waited...and waited...and waited some more...then, when it was apparent that you weren’t going to show up, he cut me down and sent me home to give you a message.

OBVIOUS: What message?

SARCASM: (gives a raspberry) PHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

(At this, the MAYOR starts to laugh. And he can’t stop for the rest of the scene. He even falls on the floor and rolls around for a while.)

OBVIOUS: Well, we are thankful that you are safe, Dr. Sarcasm...oh, pull yourself together, Mayor!

SARCASM: Oh, let him laugh. I’m sure he needs to release the energy after being cooped up with you all night.

OBVIOUS: Well...umm...ah, yes. We have many things to do, Dr. Sarcasm. I have discovered the link between victims that will enable us to determine the identity of the Worm!

SARCASM: I know who he is.

OBVIOUS: I’ll explain in the Obviousmobile!

SARCASM: I saw his face! I know who he is!

OBVIOUS: Come, Dr. Sarcasm! Grow up, Mayor! (exits stage right)

SARCASM: Why me? (follows reluctantly. MAYOR continues to roll on the ground laughing hysterically)