Friday, February 29, 2008

February Links

Here are my links for February, as found in my calendar of wacky websites (that aren't necessarily all that wacky). I hope you enjoy.

FEBRUARY 6 - Here you will find some of the wit and wisdom of journalist H.L. Mencken. One of my favorites: "Nature abhors a moron."
FEBRUARY 9 - NPR has archived some of their past human interest stories. It's an interesting bit of history. (You need RealAudio for this one.)
FEBRUARY 12 - If you've ever wonder what sickness the presidents have suffered from, here you go. If not...well, there you are anyway.
FEBRUARY 13 - HEY! That washcloth was white in the last shot! And weren't the hinges on the other side of the door when they were outside? And who keeps closing and opening that car door between shots? If you've ever nitpicked a movie like that, this is the site for you. (Bonus points to anyone who knows the movie I'm referring to)
FEBRUARY 15 - Let's say you want to see a movie, but you only have thirty seconds. Here, you'll find over forty movies that have been condensed and recast...with bunnies!
FEBRUARY 19 - Roses are red, violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, some don't. But this site can fix that.
FEBRUARY 24 - Get your daily sound bytes here in .wav format. The lines used come from movies and television.
FEBRUARY 26 - Send a postcard to your friends and family from a number of places around the world from this site. And yes, you can even send one from the biggest ball of twine in the world.
FEBRUARY 29 - Take this quiz, and find out which fantasy character you are most like. Apparently, I'm most like Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.

Plus, here's a bonus link for you, a site that I've discovered in your last couple of days. Garfield Minus Garfield takes Garfield out of the equation and leaves a very sad portrait of Jon Arbuckle. Actually, it's really funny.

PREVIOUS BLOGLISH LINK LIST:
January

Thursday, February 28, 2008

More music for ya

A new playlist. I've done something different this time...you'll be hearing it right when you launch the page, as long as you have your computer's sound on. You can turn it off if you want. The tracks:
  1. Doctor Worm (They Might Be Giants) - My theme song. Gotta have it first.
  2. Welcome to the Black Parade (My Chemical Romance) - I love this band's sound. It's huge. Plus, it's a great song.
  3. Title of the Song (Da Vinci's Notebook) - The standard boy band musical formula has been plugged into this a capella song by Da Vinci's Notebook. It's very funny, but I apologize for the laughter in the background. I think this recording was done in a radio studio, and the DJs just had to laugh into their microphones.
  4. Hotel California (Gipsy Kings) - A Spanish version of the Eagles classic.
  5. Korobeiniki (Ozma) - Anyone who ever played much Tetris will recognize this almost instantaneously. I apologize if this gets it restuck in your head.
  6. Dead Man's Party (Oingo Boingo) - Oingo Boingo had some terrific songs, and this is one of my favorites. The band produced Danny Elfman, who is now a well-respected film composer.
  7. Oops!...I Did It Again (Richard Thompson) - Yes, it's a Britney Spears song, but I much prefer this version to hers.
  8. Redemption Song (Bob Marley) - This is a beautiful song, and such a passionate performance by Bob Marley.
  9. Gimme Some Money (The Thamesmen) - This hit by the Thamesmen led to a long and fruitful musical career for the band, who later renamed themselves Spinal Tap.
  10. Sultans of Swing (Dire Straits) - This is just a grooving song. Great guitar work, great music.
  11. Mahna Mahna (The Muppets) - This song makes no sense. I love it.
  12. Solsbury Hill (Peter Gabriel) - Gabriel's first single after splitting from the band Genesis. The song is an exploration of his feelings following that split. It's a wonderful song, and the meter is in 7 rather than the traditional 4.
  13. Genius In France (Weird Al Yankovic) - This is Weird Al's tribute to one of his inspirations, the great Frank Zappa.
  14. Tamacun (Rodrigo y Gabriela) - Great acoustic guitar work.
  15. It's Over (Squirrel Nut Zippers) - And let's close the playlist out with this one.
Hope you enjoy. If you go to the music post from 1/28/08, you'll find a link to my old playlist.

EDIT: And here's the link to this one.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VII


When last we left Captain Obvious and Dr. Sarcasm, they had just arrived at the Obvious Cave to find someone waiting for them...the Worm.


OBVIOUS: Excuse me, but this is a private facility. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.

WORM: Oh, I’ll leave all right...after I’ve killed you. (pulls a gun from his coat)

OBVIOUS: Fiend! Who are you?

SARCASM: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you could figure that out on your own. Worm, Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious, allow me to present...The Worm.

OBVIOUS: AHA! I was getting too close so you’ve sniffed me out to try and catch me off guard!

WORM: Too close? Apparently not.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

WORM: Three months ago, I developed an elaborate scheme to capture you and rid this town of your poison once and for all. I began to murder people under the pseudonym of “The Worm.” I knew the police would call you in to help them solve the case, because they would be completely clueless...I was very careful. I covered all of my tracks, I was extraordinarily efficient. I wanted my opportunity to destroy you... but I never got it. I underestimated the police department’s need of you. I continued to kill, hoping the clueless police department would give up and call you in. But they didn’t. So I used the Mayor’s technology against you...I began to kill in populated areas, so the neighbors might e-mail their emergencies in. And sure enough, one idiot lady did, and you finally arrived on the scene.

OBVIOUS: Idiot? She was just doing her civic duty, and while I’m flattered that you’d go through all of this just to satisfy some deep personal grudge against me, you could have just told me your concerns, and we could’ve gone to Starbucks and discussed what I could be doing over a nice frappucino...

WORM: I’M NOT FINISHED WITH THE DENOUEMENT YET!!!

OBVIOUS: Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Please continue.

WORM: I waited at the scene of the crime after the cops had cleared out. Waited for you to come back and search for clues that you or the incompetent police department may have missed. But no, you sent your sidekick. Fine, I said. I’ll abduct the sidekick, and when Captain Obvious comes to rescue him, I’ll destroy them both. BUT YOU NEVER CAME!

OBVIOUS: I was waiting at the rendezvous point! How was I supposed to know!

WORM: SILENCE!

OBVIOUS: A please would be nice...

WORM: (ignoring him) All night, I awaited your arrival. Finally, I released your sidekick. He was of no use to me dead since it was apparent that you cared nothing for him. So I decided to wait for you at your “secret lair.”

OBVIOUS: Yes, how did you find this place anyway? Did you torture the information out of poor Dr. Sarcasm?

WORM: It was in the phone book.

SARCASM: I hate to tell you I told you so, but...who am I kidding? I love to tell you I told you so! Nyeah!

OBVIOUS: The phone book, eh? I knew this had something to do with the phone book!

SARCASM: Yes, you’re very smart.

OBVIOUS: You selected all your victims from the phone book in a ruthless attempt to eliminate the good citizens of this town one by one!

WORM: Wait...haven’t you been listening? I killed those people so I could get to you!

OBVIOUS: Then, when I discovered your pattern, you decided I was too close for comfort and you came here to get the drop on me!

WORM: No! Are you deaf?

SARCASM: You see what I have to deal with everyday?

OBVIOUS: But you’ll never get away with it, you monster! For I am Captain Obvious, beloved superhero and protector of the entire city! In the unlikely instance that anything should happen to me, the people would go up in arms! You’d never had a moment’s peace! You’d be a fugitive from justice all the rest of your day!

WORM: I...I...I don’t know what to say...

OBVIOUS: Ah, the stirrings of a conscience! Give yourself up now, and I may be able to get your sentence commuted from one billion years in prison to one million!

WORM: No...it’s just...

OBVIOUS: Yes?

WORM: Well...I’ve wasted the last three months of my life trying to destroy an ignoramus!

OBVIOUS: Beg your pardon?

WORM: You! Eight people are dead because I thought you were a superhero worthy of my most evil schemes! Turns out your just another lunatic in tights!

OBVIOUS: Excuse me? Lunatic? Me? Mr. I-Killed-Eight-People-Because-I’m Jealous? I’ll have you know I have certifications in superherohood from nineteen different comic book conventions!

WORM: (pause) OK. Fine! Show me a super power!

OBVIOUS: What?

WORM: One super power! That’s all! Just one! One eensy-weensy super power, and I’ll turn myself in. I’ll even plug myself into the electric chair.

SARCASM: You know, I’m kind of interested in seeing this myself.

OBVIOUS: I don’t have to justify myself to either of you!

WORM: Oh, come on! Zap me with your laser beam eyes! Or fly around the room! Leap tall buildings in a single bound! Outrace a train! Zap me with lightning bolts from your fingers!

SARCASM: Drink spoiled milk and don’t get sick.

WORM: I’m waiting, Captain Obvious! Prove you’re worth sparing!

OBVIOUS: I once went a whole day without eating potato chips...

WORM: I knew it. Nothing. Well, maybe nothing...

OBVIOUS: I’m sorry?

WORM: One little test... (raises gun) ...to see if you’re bulletproof.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (offstage) FREEZE!

(At this, several police come in and apprehend THE WORM. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY are among them.)

WORM: NOOOOOOOOO! Five more seconds! Please! Just let me kill him! Then do whatever you want with me! Please!

(SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS looks torn. He looks at THE WORM, then at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, and back to THE WORM.)

MCGUNKY: You know you can’t let him do that, sir.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How about mutilation? Not kill him, just put him in a hospital for a few months.

MCGUNKY: Sergeant.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yeah, I know. Take him away, boys.

WORM: (fighting against the cops) THIS ISN’T OVER, OBVIOUS! YOU WILL DIE BY MY HANDS! I SWEAR IT! (he’s dragged off kicking and screaming)

OBVIOUS: Well done, officers! But how did you know?

MCGUNKY: The Mayor called us and told us that Dr. Sarcasm had spent the night in The Worm’s custody. We actually just came to get his statement, finding The Worm was just a happy coincidence. And it looks like we arrived just in time.

OBVIOUS: And how, may I ask, did you find my secret lair?

MCGUNKY: It’s in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (turning to DR. SARCASM) You see, Dr. Sarcasm? Had I followed your advice and kept an unlisted number, we may never have caught that madman!

SARCASM: Well, I don’t suppose I can argue with that...

OBVIOUS: (turning back to the officers) Well, gentlemen, I applaud you for doing your duty. Once again, you have justified my decision to vote against tax cuts that would hurt the police department. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: Yah.

OBVIOUS: There are many more crimes to solve in the sleeping city! Come along! Gentlemen, can you lock up when you’re done?

MCGUNKY: Oh...er...yeah, I guess so.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful! To the Obviousmobile! (exits)

SARCASM: Off on another exciting adventure! Hoo-RAY! We’re off to see the wizard... (skips out)

MCGUNKY: (looking at his watch) Sleeping city? It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: We should’ve let The Worm kill him.

MCGUNKY: Oh, I don’t know...somewhere, there’s hurt...somewhere there’s pain...somewhere there’s suffering...and wherever you find criminals...you will find Captain Obvious!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And isn’t that a bad thing?

MCGUNKY: Yeah, you’re right. We should have let The Worm kill him. (both exit)

THE END

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part VI


The Obvious Cave. When CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM enter, it is dark.


OBVIOUS: Lights! (nothing happens) AHEM! I said LIGHTS! (Nothing continues to happen. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS claps his hands. Nothing persists in happening.) Nothing seems to be happening.

SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Sherlock.

OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Darn, screwed up again.

OBVIOUS: You know, this memory thing is going to get you into real trouble some day. Perhaps you should...oh.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: I understand. Dr. SARCASM. As in being sarcastic. I just caught that.

SARCASM: Did you think that was just my last name?

OBVIOUS: Well...yes.

SARCASM: You thought my name was something like John Sarcasm? What’s your real name, George Obvious?

OBVIOUS: Bill, actually.

SARCASM: What?

OBVIOUS: Bill Obvious. I didn’t know we could choose different names. Interesting.

SARCASM: I’m not having this conversation.

OBVIOUS: But, this doesn’t explain why the lights aren’t on.

SARCASM: Did you try the light switch?

OBVIOUS: Ah. The maid must have turned it off there by accident.

SARCASM: The maid?

OBVIOUS: Yes.

SARCASM: When did we get a maid?

OBVIOUS: Oh, didn’t I tell you? She started last week. I got tired of cleaning up after myself, so I hired a maid.

SARCASM: Why don’t we just have a big sign out front that says, “CAPTAIN OBVIOUS’ SECRET LAIR”?

OBVIOUS: It wouldn’t be secret then, would it?

SARCASM: Yeah, and we’re hiding it from the world anyway by having it in the phone book.

OBVIOUS: (at the light switch) Let there be light! (And it is so. But looking around the room, they see that it has been ransacked.) Merciful heavens! We’ve been robbed!

SARCASM: How do you think they found us?

OBVIOUS: More importantly, who is “they”?

VOICE: (coldly, from offstage) I think you know the answer to that, Captain Obvious.

OBVIOUS: That voice...who is it...

WORM: (emerges from the shadows, stage left) We meet at last.
--------------------------------------
Can Captain Obvious and Doctor Sarcasm possibly get out of this alive? What nefarious scheme does the Worm have planned? Is Captain Obvious a real captain? WHEN WILL THIS STORY END?!? The answers to some of these questions, plus some others that I didn't mention, and minus some that you really want to know but won't, can be found in the thrilling finale of THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Oscar Predictions

Let me take a quick break from Captain Obvious to throw out my Oscar predictions for tomorrow night. There's no real surprises here, the only one the experts seem to disagree on is Supporting Actress. I'm also just going to predict categories I know something about.

BEST PICTURE - No Country For Old Men. This is the only one of the five I've seen, and it's great. I do want to see the other nominees (except Atonement), but No Country has all the momentum, and I think it's a lock.

BEST DIRECTOR - Joel and Ethan Coen. They deserved it for Fargo in 1996, and now they'll get a well earned Oscar.

BEST ACTOR - Daniel Day-Lewis. From everything I've heard, his performance in There Will Be Blood is nothing short of perfect.

BEST ACTRESS - Julie Christie. This category is pretty stacked, and it is possible that Ellen Page will win for Juno, or Marion Cotillard for La Vie en Rose, but most of the buzz seems to be around Christie.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - Javier Bardem. If there was a performance talked about as much as Daniel Day-Lewis' this year, it was Javier Bardem's evil evil EVIL Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men. There's no competition.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - I'm going with Cate Blanchett for I'm Not There. The only one not really getting any talk in this category is Saoirse Ronan for Atonement, so this one is anyone's guess. Ruby Dee, Amy Ryan, and Tilda Swinton all have their supporters, but I'm going with Blanchett.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Juno. It's a critical darling, it'll win.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - No Country For Old Men. I've been reading the book lately, and it's astounding how well it was adapted.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE - Ratatouille. I haven't seen Persopolis, but I've heard grumblings that it was up for best foreign film. I've also heard grumblings that Ratatouille wasn't up for best picture, and that's the one I'm picking.

BEST MAKEUP - I don't have a prediction here, but I would like to express my outrage that Norbit got nominated. I don't care how convincing the makeup was, you can't tell me that there wasn't a more deserving good movie.

And by the way, congratulations to Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, and Daddy Day Camp on their well deserved Razzies this year.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part V


The Obviousmobile. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is driving.


OBVIOUS: ...and so, if we line up all the victims as relates to their position in the phone book, we may be able to discover his method of flipping. Random flipping usually alternates between sections, front and back. We just may have a chance here.

SARCASM: As usual, your intellect enthralls me.

OBVIOUS: (pause) You know, Dr. Sarcasm, it occurs to me that when you say things like that, you’re not always being entirely forthcoming.

SARCASM: Whatever gave you that idea?

OBVIOUS: Well, I am Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Right, I keep forgetting.

OBVIOUS: It’s strange that you would keep forgetting that.

SARCASM: Completely bizarre. Perhaps I should see a doctor.

OBVIOUS: But you are a doctor.

SARCASM: A doctor of sarcasmology...we’re not quite qualified to perform complicated medical procedures like lobotomies...though we’d really like to try on some people.

OBVIOUS: Where do you get that sort of degree?

SARCASM: In sarcasmology?

OBVIOUS: No, in underwater basket weaving.

SARCASM: (impressed) Well done!

OBVIOUS: What?

SARCASM: A fine display of sarcasm! There’s hope for you yet!

OBVIOUS: I was serious. I was thinking about it this morning, in the shower, and wondered where underwater basket weavers got their training. It seems logical that some universities and institutions of higher learning would have such a program, though I’ve never come across them. That’s what a lobotomy is, isn’t it? A style of underwater basket weaving?

SARCASM: Thank you for proving that cynicism is always going to be the best method of dealing with your kind. Guess that’ll teach me to jump to conclusions...

OBVIOUS: Nonetheless, we must concentrate on the task at hand! The Obvious Cave awaits!

SARCASM: Oh boy.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part IV


The mayor’s office. The MAYOR is behind his desk, talking on the phone.

MAYOR : Look, Constantinopolous...I know some of his methods are a bit unorthodox... (winces and pulls the phone from his ear, as if he’s being yelled at) ...but the fact remains that this town needs a superhero, and Captain Obvious is our only choice!.......No, we can’t fire him! We don’t even pay him!.......Now, I’m sure that’s just unsubstantiated gossip...what? Well, that takes a certain amount of ingenuity, doesn’t it? I mean, motorcycles don’t just climb up high dives by themselves.......I’ve had enough of this conversation, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I believe you have a serial killer on the loose, and I believe you need to be making every effort to capture him.......I don’t like the tone of your voice, Sergeant, but yes, he’s making every effort as well. After all two heads are better than one...yes, I know there’s more than one head on the police force, it’s only...never mind. Back to work, and I don’t want to hear another word about it. (slams the phone down, then presses the intercom button) Lois, no more calls. I need to think.

LOIS: (offstage, as if on an intercom) But sir, Captain Obvious is here to see you.

MAYOR: Well, send him in!

(The MAYOR walks over stage left to look out at the audience, as if looking out a window. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS enters stage right, notices the MAYOR, and goes to stand right behind his shoulder, also looking out at the audience. After a few moments, the MAYOR turns and starts upon noticing his new shadow.)

OBVIOUS: Hello, Mayor.

MAYOR: Please don’t do that again, Captain Obvious. (clasping his chest, he walks over to his desk and sits down) What can I do for you?

OBVIOUS: Well, there’s the small matter of this psychotic Worm on the loose...

MAYOR: Ah yes, the Worm...do you have any more information on that?

OBVIOUS: Yes, I spent the afternoon on the internet. It’s amazing, I didn’t realize the Worm was such a prolific villain...

MAYOR: Really? Even though he's been at large for three months?

OBVIOUS: Ah, so you’re familiar with the case file already. Good, that’ll cut down on the exposition time.

MAYOR: What?

OBVIOUS: I went through his list of victims very carefully, and tried to expose some patterns. First, I tried names. No luck there, alphabetically, letters contained, nothing. No patterns. I tried ages, genders, race, religion, type of underwear, favorite brand of cheese, CD collections, body type, and preference between Coke and Pepsi. Nothing. Then, I thought of something truly frightening. I tested my theory, and I was correct. I have found the common bond between all these victims!

MAYOR: (excitedly) And what is that, Captain Obvious?

OBVIOUS: They’re all...IN THE PHONE BOOK!

MAYOR: (A stunned silence follows. Then) The phone book.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: That’s...your big common thread.

OBVIOUS: Yes, Mayor.

MAYOR: Hmm. (presses his intercom button) Lois?

LOIS: (offstage) Yes, sir?

MAYOR: Please call Sergeant Constantinopolous for me and convey my sincerest apologies for contradicting him.

LOIS: Yes, sir.

OBVIOUS: Been talking to Sergeant Constantinopolous, eh?

MAYOR: Yes. Just before you arrived, as a matter of fact.

OBVIOUS: Wonderful man. I sense that he somehow resents me being on the case, as if I am trying to steal his glory. He can put those fears to rest, however, because I want no glory for myself. My cause is the people, my fight is with evil. (standing up, voice getting louder and more dramatic) If I stop all the forces of darkness in this world and never see one headline, my job will be complete. For I am...

MAYOR: Captain Obvious!

OBVIOUS: (starts) Yes?

MAYOR: What do you propose to do next?

OBVIOUS: Oh! (looks at his watch, sits) Well, Dr. Sarcasm went to check out the scene of the crime. I told him to meet me here, so as soon as he arrives, we’ll scientifically examine the phone book to determine the Worm’s method, then logically discover the next victim and lay a trap! He’ll never know what hit ‘im!

MAYOR: So, when do you suppose Dr. Sarcasm will arrive?

OBVIOUS: Any minute now.

(Blackout, as if it is nighttime. MAYOR starts snoring)

OBVIOUS: Mayor! (MAYOR starts) We cannot rest. We must be alert when Dr. Sarcasm arrives!

(Lights come up, signifying the next day. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS is sprawled out in his chair, fast asleep. The MAYOR has his head on his desk. Both are snoring. DR. SARCASM limps in from stage right, severely beaten up. He looks at both sleeping men, then screams. Both MAYOR and OBVIOUS jump)

SARCASM: Oh dear, did I disturb your slumber? A thousand apologies.

OBVIOUS: Quite all right... (yawns) What took you so long?

SARCASM: Well, I would have been here sooner, but I got jumped.

OBVIOUS: Jumped! Who would have expected that?

SARCASM: Apparently, just me.

OBVIOUS: What happened?

SARCASM: Well, the Worm was waiting outside the apartment when I arrived. He grabbed me, knocked me out, and took me to an undisclosed location. There I was beaten tortured and left to die hanging over a pool of sharks. All the time, I had to listen to him cackling and saying, “As soon as your Captain Obvious arrives to save you, you will both perish, moo hah hah hah hah, yadda yadda yadda, rule the world,” you know, basic villain stuff. So we waited...and waited...and waited some more...then, when it was apparent that you weren’t going to show up, he cut me down and sent me home to give you a message.

OBVIOUS: What message?

SARCASM: (gives a raspberry) PHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

(At this, the MAYOR starts to laugh. And he can’t stop for the rest of the scene. He even falls on the floor and rolls around for a while.)

OBVIOUS: Well, we are thankful that you are safe, Dr. Sarcasm...oh, pull yourself together, Mayor!

SARCASM: Oh, let him laugh. I’m sure he needs to release the energy after being cooped up with you all night.

OBVIOUS: Well...umm...ah, yes. We have many things to do, Dr. Sarcasm. I have discovered the link between victims that will enable us to determine the identity of the Worm!

SARCASM: I know who he is.

OBVIOUS: I’ll explain in the Obviousmobile!

SARCASM: I saw his face! I know who he is!

OBVIOUS: Come, Dr. Sarcasm! Grow up, Mayor! (exits stage right)

SARCASM: Why me? (follows reluctantly. MAYOR continues to roll on the ground laughing hysterically)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part III


The police station. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS is working at his desk when DETECTIVE MCGUNKY buzzes him.

MCGUNKY: (offstage, as on an intercom) Run!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (looks up) What?

MCGUNKY: He’s here, and he wants to see you! RUN!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS
Who’s...oh no. No no no! (he leaps to his feet and makes a mad dash for the window)

OBVIOUS: (Enters right, looks around. Sees CONSTANTINOPOLOUS struggling to open the window, grins and walks over) Ah, Sergeant. Trying to get a bit of fresh air, eh?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (glowering at OBVIOUS) Yeah.

OBVIOUS: Well, I need to discuss a case with you. Do you remember the Worm incident I’ve been helping you with?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (slouches back to his desk in despair) You mean the one from this morning?

OBVIOUS: Yes, that one.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I seem to recall it. What do you need?

OBVIOUS: I...that is, we...that is, Dr. Sarcasm and I...he’s my sidekick, we discuss everything... well, except for personal matters, such as hygiene, relationships, matters from our other lives, meaning our secret identities...though we did have an excellent conversation last week about an absolutely fetching woman I met in the supermarket...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (shouting) CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! WHAT...DO...YOU...WANT?!?!?

OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed.

OBVIOUS: We had a theory on this Worm fellow. When he stated “The Worm strikes again” in his message, he made it sound like this was not his first attack.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: And?

OBVIOUS: Well...was it?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (stares) Do you watch the news?

OBVIOUS: No. Comes on at the same time as “Friends.” I never miss that show.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you get the newspaper?

OBVIOUS: Can’t see the point, really. I can get all that information on the internet.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever use the internet?

OBVIOUS: Why yes! I’m an online backgammon champion!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Do you ever look at headlines, skim through current events, anything like that?

OBVIOUS: Well, of course not! There’s too much else to do on the internet than worry about looking at the news...though I’ve been following the trials and tribulations of Jennifer Lopez very carefully...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Forget it. No, it was not his first time, there have been seven other attacks.

OBVIOUS: Seven! Amazing how you’ve kept this investigation a secret for this long!

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (bangs head on desk) Did you know that not only has the media been all over this story, they’re already in pre-production on the made-for-TV movie?

OBVIOUS: Really? That’s wonderful! Who did they get to play you? Wait, let me guess... Bronson Pinchot! Or, better yet, Corbin Bernsen! Yes, I think he would be the best choice...

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (barely containing his rage) Captain Obvious!

OBVIOUS: Yes, Sergeant Constantinopolous?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Is there anything else? I’m very busy, we do have a serial killer to catch here.

OBVIOUS: Oh, yes. Might I have access to the case files?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: No, you might not. You might go on the internet and look up “The Worm” and read the stories from all seven of his previous murders. Then you might get a clue and do some actual good in this town! But I’m not betting on it!

OBVIOUS: Very good suggestion, Sergeant. I’ll get right on that! To the public library! (exits stage right)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (punches the intercom button) McGunky!

MCGUNKY: (offstage) Yes sir?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: If you ever let that idiot in here again, I’ll kill you myself. (punches the button again, pulls out a bottle of whiskey, and drains it)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Another addition to the Bloglishsphere

Give a big welcome to The Bloglish Game Zone, just launched today. This is dedicated to group games, and is specifically geared towards special education. The games can be used with higher functioning children, but I'm trying to organize games that can be used with special populations.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part II


The Obvious Cave. It’s actually just a room, with various gizmos and gadgets lying around. The Obviousmobile sits in the background. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and DR. SARCASM stand at a table examining various bits of evidence.

OBVIOUS: (holding up a fragment of glass) Hmm. I believe this piece of glass comes from the window in the apartment.

SARCASM: Really? I could have sworn it came from the body,

OBVIOUS: (looks puzzled) But...the body’s not made of glass.

SARCASM: Oh. My mistake.

OBVIOUS: (nods) Anyway, there aren’t any fingerprints on the glass, so it’s no help. (throws the glass over his shoulder) Now if only we could figure out how the killer got in.

SARCASM: I may be barking up the wrong tree, but d’ya think he might have come through the window?

OBVIOUS: (snaps fingers) Of course! That would explain why the window is broken! But...how?

SARCASM: Gee, I don’t know. Glass is awfully strong. I don’t think anything could break it... especially not that brick we found.

OBVIOUS: Now that’s where you’re wrong, my faithful sidekick. (picks up the brick and examines it as he speaks) A brick, thrown with the right amount of force and at the proper velocity, could easily shatter a window.

SARCASM: Oh dear. I seem to be mistaken again.

OBVIOUS: Not to worry, old chum.

SARCASM: Thanks, Batman.

OBVIOUS: Captain Obvious.

SARCASM: Whatever.

OBVIOUS: That’s an odd mistake to make.

SARCASM: I have no idea where it came from...old chum.

OBVIOUS: All is forgiven. Anyway, if we could ascertain the location from which the brick originated, we may increase the probability of the dastardly villain’s apprehension.

SARCASM: Been reading our thesaurus again, have we?

OBVIOUS: Why, yes!

SARCASM: Well, I hate to throw a monkey wrench in your gears, old chump, but brick makers don’t usually weld serial numbers into their product for easy tracing. Good idea though!

OBVIOUS: Yes, I suppose you’re right. (puts the brick back down) Well, I’m stumped. Any other ideas?

SARCASM: Gee, what other clues were there? I doubt very seriously that the giant message in blood will help us.

OBVIOUS: (excitedly) The giant message in blood! How foolish we’ve been! If we tested that blood, we could find out the type and narrow our search down!

SARCASM: Brilliant! I’m one hundred percent certain that the killer used his own blood instead of the blood of his victim!

OBVIOUS: (frowns) I’m not. We would have to be dealing with one sick twisted freak to mutilate himself like that for a message.

SARCASM: Gee, Captain Obvious, I never thought of it that way.

OBVIOUS: (cheerfully) Never fear, Dr. Sarcasm! It takes a highly trained thought process to understand the criminal mind! You’re just my sidekick...you’ll get it one of these days.

SARCASM: I can’t wait.

OBVIOUS: But perhaps there are other clues in the message. What did it say again? “The Worm strikes again.” Hmm. This implies that this “Worm” fellow has struck before.

SARCASM: (astounded) You know, I think that’s the single most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of your mouth.

OBVIOUS: You flatter me. I heard Sergeant Constantinopolous asking Detective McGunky about it while we were collecting evidence.

SARCASM: Oh. Should’ve guessed.

OBVIOUS: But it does raise the question as to what dastardly deeds the Worm has perpetrated in the past. Maybe there are patterns. (The phone rings, and CAPTAIN OBVIOUS picks it up.) Hello, Captain Obvious speaking. (listens, then) Hold on, I’ll check. Ah, Dr. Sarcasm?

SARCASM: Sir, yes sir!

OBVIOUS: Are we happy with our long distance service?

SARCASM: (doesn’t say a word, just glares at CAPTAIN OBVIOUS)

OBVIOUS: (back to the receiver) Uh, we’re fine, thank you. (hangs up) Blasted telemarketers. Don’t they understand this line needs to be kept open for emergencies?

SARCASM: Have you ever considered NOT having a listed number?

OBVIOUS: But then how would anyone be able to find us in times of distress?

SARCASM: I’m just saying, it’s very possible that having the number AND address of our SECRET LAIR in the phone book might be a bad idea.

OBVIOUS: Duly noted. Now where were we? Ah yes. Dr. Sarcasm!

SARCASM: I await thy bidding, oh master.

OBVIOUS: (looks startled) What?

SARCASM: Oh, nothing. What do you want?

OBVIOUS: I need you to go to the scene of the crime and see if we missed anything. I’m off to the police station to research the Worm’s previous criminal activities. Meet me in the mayor’s office as soon as possible.

SARCASM: (stares for a moment, then) You go to the scene of the crime.

OBVIOUS: Excuse me?

SARCASM: Every time we separate, I get beat up. Remember that time we were in that old abandoned warehouse chasing The Gruesome Fivesome?

OBVIOUS: Ah, yes. My finest hour.

SARCASM: Absolutely. When we split up, I got jumped by those goons and tied up over a vat of boiling water. If you hadn’t tripped over the power cord, I wouldn’t have fallen and gotten to spend the next month in the hospital with third degree burns.

OBVIOUS: We also wouldn’t have caught them.

SARCASM: The cops ambushed them!

OBVIOUS: Under cover of darkness, which I provided!

SARCASM: I’m not going to the scene of the crime.

OBVIOUS: Yes, you are. I am the superhero, you are the sidekick. I am the leader, you are the follower. I am the employer, you are the employee. Now, go!

SARCASM: Fine. Just please rescue me properly this time.

OBVIOUS: That’s the spirit! To the Obviousmobile!

SARCASM: Yeah, this is going to go reeeeeaaaaallllly well.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Adventures of Captain Obvious, part I

I don't know if Captain Obvious is a registered trademark, but I think it's a public domain name for anyone who makes ludicrously obvious statements. Anyway, here's part one of seven of a short script I wrote some time ago that features Captain Obvious.
------------------
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Scene I


A dimly lit and ransacked apartment. Tables are overturned. There is a broken window on the wall next to a large message written in blood that reads “The Worm strikes again!” A body lies in the center of the floor, with a white sheet covering its features. SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and DETECTIVE MCGUNKY stand over the body, making notes.

SERGEANT CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Well, I know I haven’t got a clue.

DETECTIVE MCGUNKY: Who notified us?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (gesturing stage left) Ah, his next door neighbor heard the gunshot and let us know. She says she didn’t see anything or hear anything else, just freaked out when she heard the gun.

MCGUNKY: I can imagine. She didn’t....

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I’m afraid she did.

MCGUNKY: (buries face in hands, and emits a frustrated yell) ARGH! (looks up) We tell these people to call 911 for a reason, you know! It’s not like it’s that hard! Pick up the phone, dial nine, then one, then one, and wait for the operator to pick up! Why do they all insist on using the internet?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Blame the mayor. It was his idea to put emergency service on the internet and forward all requests to that idiot.

MCGUNKY: How much do you think he’s getting under the table for the favor?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Not enough, I can tell you that. Pretty soon, he’ll have us all replaced by computers.

MCGUNKY: How long until he shows up?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Any minute now.

(As if on cue [which it is, to tell the truth], CAPTAIN OBVIOUS strolls in from stage left, followed by a very bored DR. SARCASM)

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS: (strikes his best superhero pose, and bellows) Gentlemen, I have arrived! Allow me to introduce myself, Captain Obvious! And this (extending an arm to his sulking companion) is my faithful sidekick, Dr. Sarcasm!

DR. SARCASM: It is an unbelievably wonderful pleasure to meet you all. Again. (rolls eyes as OBVIOUS turns to CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Yes, Captain Obvious, we know who you are.

OBVIOUS: Ahh, Sergeant Constantinopolous! And Detective McGunky! The finest our fair city has to offer! This must be a difficult case indeed! (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS and MCGUNKY don’t respond, they just stare at him in cold contempt. Several moments pass.) Ahh, so, may I ask why we’re here?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (Looks around the room. It’s fairly obvious to everyone why we’re here, what with the overturned tables, murder victim on the floor, and a giant message on the wall written in blood. HE looks back to CAPTAIN OBVIOUS) Yes, you may.

OBVIOUS: Good. (A brief pause as OBVIOUS smiles radiantly at the two policemen. Finally:) Why are we here?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: This. (gestures to the sheet on the floor)

OBVIOUS: I see! (rubs chin thoughtfully as he examines the sheet from where he stands) Is there something under the sheet?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: Why, yes, Captain Obvious. Would you like to see that as well?

OBVIOUS: It may help to shed some light on the situation.

(MCGUNKY lifts the sheet so that the audience cannot see what is under there, but all four men can. OBVIOUS is noticeably affected.)

OBVIOUS: Yes. I see. Hmm. Very interesting.

MCGUNKY: Would you care to share some insight on this case, Captain Obvious?

OBVIOUS: Yes, well...it would appear that this man has been murdered.

SARCASM: Brilliant observation, Captain Obvious! Tell me, what tipped you off...the fact that his brains are everywhere? Or the presence of bullet holes all over his body? Or perhaps the giant message on the wall over there from the killer? Or did you just deduce that from the fact the place is milling with cops?

OBVIOUS: Well, my first clue was that he was dead...

MCGUNKY: (Snorts with laughter. OBVIOUS looks at him severely. Immediately composes himself.) Oh. You were serious. Sorry.

OBVIOUS: (looking slightly miffed) But yes, those other things did have something to do with it. Though, I had yet to notice the message on the wall.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (irritated) How did you miss that? It covers the whole wall and is written in blood!

OBVIOUS: Forgive me, Sergeant Constantinopolous. I’ve only been here five minutes.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: I noticed it when I walked in the door!

MCGUNKY: (taking CONSTANTINOPOLOUS aside) Calm down, Sergeant. Indulge the man. He’s the mayor’s pet. (CONSTANTINOPOLOUS growls in reply)

OBVIOUS: (studying the message as if the last exchange never occurred) Hmmm. “The Worm strikes again.” “The Worm?” It seems that a worm would not be able to summon the necessary strength to squeeze the trigger of a shotgun, much less be able to write this message in such large letters, in English, even! I would have expected some form of Wormish, or whatever language worms speak. But English! Amazing! We are dealing with a truly dangerous and ingenious species here, gentlemen! We start at the bait shop!

MCGUNKY: Um...Captain Obvious? I believe that “The Worm” is just a nickname.

OBVIOUS: (stares at the message for a few more moments) Yes, that does make more sense. Too bad. I was looking forward to getting some fishing in.

(At this, CONSTANTINOPOLOUS claps a hand over his mouth and exits stage left. As soon as he has left the room, a primal scream is heard. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS looks up sharply)

OBVIOUS: The Worm! He’s attacked Sergeant Constantinopolous! Are none of us safe?

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: (reentering) I feel better now.

OBVIOUS: Thanks heavens! (He rushes over and embraces the SERGEANT) When we heard the scream, we feared the worst. It is such a relief to see you alive once more! But, there is no time! We must pursue the criminal before he gets too far away! Come, Dr. Sarcasm! We must collect evidence! (rushes out stage left)

SARCASM: (follows slowly. When he reaches the exit, he turns and says, with all sincerity for the only time in the production) I’m truly, truly sorry. (turns and exits)

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: How did that guy get to be a superhero anyway?

MCGUNKY: His mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby. Made him think he had superpowers. Anyway, the mayor decided we needed a superhero in this town, and since all the good ones were taken, we got Captain Obvious.

CONSTANTINOPOLOUS: God help us all. (fade out)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

BBL RIP

Yep, the BBL is no more. I tried, but I can't keep up with it. Sorry to anyone who cared.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Movie Round Up

Nothing like being bedridden for a couple of days to help get one's movie watching in. These are movies I've watched over the past couple of days, with comments.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD/HOT FUZZ - These two movies will forever be linked, I'm sure. Same stars, same type of humor, same homage to their respective genres. And great films. I had seen Shaun before this weekend, but it was my first time watching Hot Fuzz. SOTD is an homage to zombie films, particularly the work of George Romero. I've never been one to appreciate the zombie genre, or any other horror movie for that matter (with a few exceptions like The Exorcist or The Shining). SOTD succeeds in being funny, scary, and poignant all at the same time. It's one thing to show lots of graphic violence, but if you don't care about any of the characters, what's the point? Hot Fuzz, on the other hand, is an homage to cop movies. The two examples referred to and copied in the film are Point Break and Bad Boys II. I haven't seen either of those movies, don't want to, but it was a lot of fun watching these two cops in a serious situation emulating some of the more absurd moves (have you ever fired two pistols whilst jumping through the air?) and trying to come up with witty banter. I would highly recommend both movies, just as long as you're prepared for the graphic violence (and there's at least one scene in both movies that I would cite as extremely gruesome, but I won't say which here). I also would like to point out that these movies are not spoofs - at least, not in the sense that Blazing Saddles or Airplane! are spoofs. These are pure homages, with a little good natured ribbing thrown in.

SCHOOL OF ROCK - It's an old story. Someone comes in, usually reluctantly, takes a bunch of kids that shouldn't be able to succeed at something, winds up learning as much from them as they learn from him, and in the end, they are all heroes. I don't know who was really the first to do this, but I call it the Bad News Bears story. It's been done thousands of time since, usually with sports (The Mighty Ducks), but there have been other variations. In this variation, Jack Black (slacker) comes in, takes a class of private school students (gifted), turns them into a rock band and learns the true meaning of being a teacher. The biggest change from the standard formula is that the kids here are not your typical hoodlums and under-achievers we see in these movies. Nevertheless, the outcome is the same. By the end, everyone at the Battle of the Bands is chanting "SCHOOL OF ROCK! SCHOOL OF ROCK!" (If you haven't seen the movie, I'll create more suspense by not telling you if they won the competition or not.) Anyway, it's not a movie I would think I'd like, but it is awesome. It is very funny, Jack Black gives his best performance ever, and the kids, while not necessarily the greatest actors, still impress with their musical ability. Definitely recommend.

I also watched episodes of the Muppet Show and 24. Both are great shows...you can't beat the Muppets. As for 24, it looks like the writer's strike is coming to an end. Jack Bauer should be unleashed soon!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Blue Heaven

My grandmother always used to say, "Win without crowing, lose without whining." Sometimes, however, it's just too difficult.

GO DUKE!!!

89-78. In Chapel Hill. You know, national championships are great and all, but the whole season is worth it if the Blue Devils can beat Carolina even once. Sigh. Yay.

I know there are more Duke haters out there than Carolina haters. Elitist, smug, win too much, yadda yadda yadda. The way Carolina people act, as if God himself spoke on the eighth day to say "LET THERE BE TAR HEELS", I'll go with Duke any day.

Enough crowing. Carolina will do very well for themselves this season. I'm just glad that the Dookies are back.